im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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