I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
jump out the window naked night went bad
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
