Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you inspire me to be a worse person
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize