Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can I color on your dick again?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
