I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize