You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
