I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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