im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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