Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
