filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
