4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
