Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
