I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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