Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
