Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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