Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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