Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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