also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
