Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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