I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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