how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
