We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
