Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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