is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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