he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
