I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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