I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
