Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
