you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
