would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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