i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize