Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
