I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize