Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
