I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
