The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
