You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
