the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
