i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize