my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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