Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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