I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
