Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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