I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
