It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
