Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
