I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
