is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
