i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
