Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
