and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Enjoy the penises
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize