cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
