when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's just like the Real World with babies
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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