Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
