I skipped work to stalk him.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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