Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
