I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just want nice things and good sex
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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