I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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