i can't believe i had my finger in that
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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