he thought i was a dude.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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