Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
